Monday, May 28, 2012

Accepting Gifts from God

Pregnancy and birth are scary things for many people. It doesn't help that the thrill seeking media focus so heavily on everything that can go wrong. It also doesn't help that most of us are so completely out of touch with our physiology, that anything "abnormal" leads to quick fixes using drugs and surgeries.

With my first child I felt very much like a victim of the system and that my body was betraying me making me vulnerable. I ended up with pre-eclampsia and was given the option of induction or c-section. A c-section is major abdominal surgery. I knew it was the last thing I wanted, so I opted for induction.

I had three stages of induction, from least aggressive to most aggressive. I went through them all, progressing with painful slowness. At every turn of the clock I struggled with myself as to when a c-section would be inevitable. I did eventually get to that point of knowing my body had gotten as far as possible, seeing "the writing on the wall" so to speak, and spent quite some time trying to convince everyone else of the same thing.

I went in for the c-section and choosing the option I thought best for me, ended up with a spinal block that wore off halfway through and they had to knock me out. It was frightening but I knew my baby was safe with my husband. When they were knocking me out I felt as though I were being suffocated, like a pillow over the mouth and nose. I thought I was going to die and I did indeed treat it so, sending my prayers to heaven begging God to forgive any indiscretions and sins so that I might go to heaven or at least purgatory.

It could happen again, the feeling that I will die, giving my child life. I am more prepared now to accept all of the gift God gives me, not just the convenient part. It is with deliberate steps I walk forward in life, accepting each child, accepting the risks of carrying and delivering each child. I know that this is my vocation in life. I also accept that I was born in this place and time, with this technology, and God will use me as is part of his plan. I accept death if that is part of childbirth, motherhood, or life. Even if I knew having a child would be my end, I would try my hardest to accept it to give the child the best chance at life.

I have never been happier following God's will. I have a wonderful God fearing husband, a little bright boy who challenges me daily, and a new one who will be in my arms so soon. I cannot wait to see what new gifts I will be given, and I hope I have the grace to accept them with love and understanding.

Friday, May 25, 2012

A Few More Days

I am 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my second little boy. I'm due in two days and I can't believe I'm so close. This morning I had my second NST (non-stress test) and although my blood pressure was elevated they sent me home with orders to rest. Thankfully, I had no protein in my urine, which would be a sign of pre-eclampsia. I had pre-eclampsia with my first little boy.

If I do not go into labor first, I will be having a repeat c-section on Tuesday, May 29th. In a way, I almost prefer just having a c-section. It seems like so much worry to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I would constantly be concerned with the baby's heart rate, my blood pressure, and the scar from my previous c-section. Would I be able to handle the pains of labor? It seems to me like I put up a strong front but really, I'm a complete wimp. I'm not even sure if I have a high or low pain tolerance. It seems so relative.

Right now I only get the occasional cramping and I breathe a sigh of relief when they go away.

I wonder when our new little boy comes into the world, how I'll feel. Will I fall madly in love right away or will it be the much longer and harder road of bonding over months to find that place? Although very dizzy, the first thing I remember about our little boy were his big black eyes (they were that funny blue of newborns but they looked black at the time). I was laying flat on my back and he was looking at me from atop my breast. They couldn't get him to latch so they left him there for a while. I remember his first cry into this world and I cried in relief that he was alive and able to cry.

I don't know when I found my love for that little boy. I only know it took a long time to realize. I may have realized it sooner had he ever been in peril, but nothing like that ever happened. I'd love for new moms to know that love is not always felt when their baby is born. That it's normal to feel like there is an alien life in your arms who you don't know. It's scary because I worry I'll be careless in a moment. I remember accidentally breaking my egg baby in the 8th grade with only a few days to go. My pride vanishes and I worry like all mothers.

Soon I'll meet him and I can't wait to learn who this new little boy will be.

To Be Gentle

The other day I got a stressful letter from a family member. I found it difficult to read or even see it coherently. I tried many times to read it but only managed three paragraphs before having to put it away.

Have you ever found yourself surprised like this where you feel so hurt and misunderstood?

I thought and thought and thought about it. I prayed and the first answer that came to me was that I needed to be more like our Blessed Mother Mary. That any response I would give had to be with gentleness.

This thought surprised me because it was one I haven't actively practiced in a very long time. I used to be very good at being consciously aware of trying to be gentle, but something happened over the years and cynicism crept in. I was able to be thoughtful but I lacked that awareness of gentility.

A character I always wanted to identify with was Melanie from Gone With the Wind. She was so sweet, genuine and loved. I found Scarlet to be tiresome and petty. I wanted to see more of Melanie to see just how she would act and behave in this situation or that. I wanted to emulate her. I still do.

I think I'm going to make it more of a focus in my home to be Gentle. I need to put reminders for myself about the house telling me to be gentle. Perhaps in front of every statue of Mary I have I can have a bit of script that says "Be Gentle".

For more on gentleness I found this post that I think sums it up properly:

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Knitting Snafu

I got a great new sock knitting book called Sock Club by Charlene Schaurch and Beth Parrott.  I also picked up a favorite sock yarn of mine by Deborah Norville called Serenity Garden Yarn.  It's been a while since I knit with this yarn and was very disappointed in the results I got.

I was testing out a pattern called Reims that looked really pretty.  I noticed though that as I knit the sock was feeling stretched out and way too big.  So I cast on again in a smaller size.  I knit the whole leg, heel, heel turn and pick up.  I noticed again that the sock was feeling very stretched out.  I gave my knitting a tug to check the stretch and it's resiliency to return to shape.  No good.  The yarn was not resilient.  It stretched fine but stayed where you stretched it.  Ugh.  So, I ripped out all of my stitches and wound up the yarn.

I'm looking to use the yarn in a rib knit rather than knitting in lace.  I know it will behave much better as I've made two other pairs of socks with this particular yarn and it worked just fine.  Now I'll just have to find a nice superwash wool for this pattern.  I really want to wear these socks!

Cecilia Therese

My First Post

Hello to anyone who stumbles across this blog,

I hope that this blog will be coherent most of the time.  I find that with two little boys to keep up with the time I find to blog is often at 2am.  Please forgive any lack grammar, spelling, or point in my posts.  I will do my best.

Cecilia Therese