Monday, May 28, 2012

Accepting Gifts from God

Pregnancy and birth are scary things for many people. It doesn't help that the thrill seeking media focus so heavily on everything that can go wrong. It also doesn't help that most of us are so completely out of touch with our physiology, that anything "abnormal" leads to quick fixes using drugs and surgeries.

With my first child I felt very much like a victim of the system and that my body was betraying me making me vulnerable. I ended up with pre-eclampsia and was given the option of induction or c-section. A c-section is major abdominal surgery. I knew it was the last thing I wanted, so I opted for induction.

I had three stages of induction, from least aggressive to most aggressive. I went through them all, progressing with painful slowness. At every turn of the clock I struggled with myself as to when a c-section would be inevitable. I did eventually get to that point of knowing my body had gotten as far as possible, seeing "the writing on the wall" so to speak, and spent quite some time trying to convince everyone else of the same thing.

I went in for the c-section and choosing the option I thought best for me, ended up with a spinal block that wore off halfway through and they had to knock me out. It was frightening but I knew my baby was safe with my husband. When they were knocking me out I felt as though I were being suffocated, like a pillow over the mouth and nose. I thought I was going to die and I did indeed treat it so, sending my prayers to heaven begging God to forgive any indiscretions and sins so that I might go to heaven or at least purgatory.

It could happen again, the feeling that I will die, giving my child life. I am more prepared now to accept all of the gift God gives me, not just the convenient part. It is with deliberate steps I walk forward in life, accepting each child, accepting the risks of carrying and delivering each child. I know that this is my vocation in life. I also accept that I was born in this place and time, with this technology, and God will use me as is part of his plan. I accept death if that is part of childbirth, motherhood, or life. Even if I knew having a child would be my end, I would try my hardest to accept it to give the child the best chance at life.

I have never been happier following God's will. I have a wonderful God fearing husband, a little bright boy who challenges me daily, and a new one who will be in my arms so soon. I cannot wait to see what new gifts I will be given, and I hope I have the grace to accept them with love and understanding.

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