Friday, May 25, 2012

A Few More Days

I am 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my second little boy. I'm due in two days and I can't believe I'm so close. This morning I had my second NST (non-stress test) and although my blood pressure was elevated they sent me home with orders to rest. Thankfully, I had no protein in my urine, which would be a sign of pre-eclampsia. I had pre-eclampsia with my first little boy.

If I do not go into labor first, I will be having a repeat c-section on Tuesday, May 29th. In a way, I almost prefer just having a c-section. It seems like so much worry to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I would constantly be concerned with the baby's heart rate, my blood pressure, and the scar from my previous c-section. Would I be able to handle the pains of labor? It seems to me like I put up a strong front but really, I'm a complete wimp. I'm not even sure if I have a high or low pain tolerance. It seems so relative.

Right now I only get the occasional cramping and I breathe a sigh of relief when they go away.

I wonder when our new little boy comes into the world, how I'll feel. Will I fall madly in love right away or will it be the much longer and harder road of bonding over months to find that place? Although very dizzy, the first thing I remember about our little boy were his big black eyes (they were that funny blue of newborns but they looked black at the time). I was laying flat on my back and he was looking at me from atop my breast. They couldn't get him to latch so they left him there for a while. I remember his first cry into this world and I cried in relief that he was alive and able to cry.

I don't know when I found my love for that little boy. I only know it took a long time to realize. I may have realized it sooner had he ever been in peril, but nothing like that ever happened. I'd love for new moms to know that love is not always felt when their baby is born. That it's normal to feel like there is an alien life in your arms who you don't know. It's scary because I worry I'll be careless in a moment. I remember accidentally breaking my egg baby in the 8th grade with only a few days to go. My pride vanishes and I worry like all mothers.

Soon I'll meet him and I can't wait to learn who this new little boy will be.

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