Saturday, June 16, 2012

A Ramble on my Faith

For most of my life I was Protestant, only coming to the Catholic faith 13 years ago. I struggle with reconciling my faith with all the different ways and things I've been taught. I find it is not easy to let go of my Protestant ways.

How Catholics deal with sin is completely different from a Protestant though we are both Christian. Catholicism has a better whole picture view of dealing with sin but I find myself slipping into the easier Protestant way. This does make confession extremely challenging because rather than keeping track of my sins, I forget their frequency and occurrence.

Other faith challenges I find in myself is my difficulty finishing books of spirituality. I have lots of books, but very few have been read cover to cover. At first I read books like crazy, but after a few chapters I put the book down and forget about it. Sometimes I wish I could be trapped on a desert island with all those unfinished books just so I could finish them.

Reading retention is another problem. I have dyslexia but rarely notice it. My husband gets frustrated when I read out loud as some of the sentences make no sense since I am pulling words from the next line in the book. I love the sound of words and will listen to myself speak them and assemble meaning to those words and sentences afterwards. It makes comprehension impossible if I'm really tired or excited.

I do better audibly but only a little bit more so. I was listening to podcasts and books for years on religious topics. I would do best when I was doing data entry at work or driving in the car. I had to be doing something with my body so I could be still inside and listen. The only problem now is finding inspiration that doesn't knock me unconscious when I start nursing my baby and I'm super tired. A lot of great religious material out there is very very dry. Other great material is too academically advanced for my brain.

As a Protestant, these topics would never bother me. My focus was on being a good person to others because that was all God wanted while I waited things out here on Earth. As a Catholic, I struggle to bring my faith forward with learning more and new things about who we are as Catholics. I struggle with being present at Mass, during prayers, and reading religious books.

I hope one day I will be better at my faith. I pray that my heart will grow and be more the way God wants it to be.

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