Saturday, July 21, 2012

On loving babies

I read a great blog post here about the different feelings she had for her second child vs. her first. While I never had PPMD as she had, I did struggle with feeling love for my first child. I too wondered what was wrong with me and wished I could feel the way others described their love for their child. I chalked it up primarily to having a c-section, but when I talked with my mother I found that she had the same difficulty with me when I was born and she had a natural childbirth.

I felt so awkward with my first child. He was so alien to my existence. Abstractly, I found it fascinating that my body had created something so complex and that he was nearly all from me. I was his food supply as well, so the only thing he was getting that wasn't from me was oxygen. I trucked on and tried to bond with my little boy the best I could but I knew I fell far short of what I was capable of.

Then my second child arrived and I found myself watching his every living moment. I listened for him sighing, breathing and murmuring when out of my arms. I yearned to wake him up just to nurse him. I love how adorable he is. I love his fat thighs and wrists. I love how big he is. I worry he growing too fast whereas I worried our first was growing too slowly. This new little boy has me wrapped around his finger and I feel like I'm in trouble.

It is truly wonderful how God shows you the path to love. I never dreamed I would find myself so at war with the way I love my two little boys so differently. When we have our next child I wonder in what way I will love them. God is great.

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