Something has been bothering me for a very long time. This always comes to my mind when I get pregnant and especially when I lose a baby. For some reason it is considered prudent to not tell anyone you are pregnant until the 1st trimester is over and the risk of miscarriage is lowered. This has never made much sense to me. It seems like it makes the 1st trimester a fearful time and that at any time the baby can be lost. I've heard relatives and acquaintances chastise the pregnant mom for telling others she was pregnant when she was only 5 or 6 weeks along, especially when the mom ends up miscarrying.
When people say this it is basically telling the mom to keep this knowledge to herself, be afraid, and suffer in silence if you lose the baby. No support from the community. It's like they don't want to be made uncomfortable if at all possible. The mom is burdened with everything for months until it is deemed "safe" to let others know. This is so selfish. Not the mom. The mom needs support and love and caring. The selfish ones are those who don't want to know someone is pregnant until the pregnancy is safely into the 2nd trimester.
The mom especially needs support when she loses her baby. No matter how far along she is. It doesn't matter how far along she was or how many babies she has at home. Telling the mom that she should be grateful to know she can have children especially since she has babies at home is cruel. It negates her suffering. Saying that those who are infertile suffer the most and more than a mom with three kids at home and two miscarriages makes suffering into a competition. I am not in a competition for who is suffering the most. I could never suffer the most. Only one has been able to do that and that is Jesus. When we suffer it is a time for comfort. No matter how awkward it is. Awkward is better than being rude and cruel.
I will not wait until the safe period of a pregnancy to let my family and friends know I am pregnant. When I get pregnant I will share and gain the joys of that sharing or the support I need when I miscarry. To be silent is something that only makes me fearful. If I cannot share with others in my joy then I cannot share with them in my sorrow. This is important and I think we should encourage mothers to let us know when they become pregnant so we can care for them in health or illness.
Saturday, December 27, 2014
Today was a lesson in patience. I spent most of the afternoon in the ER listening to the PA tell me tired platitudes about how lucky I was to have children and that I knew I was able to have kids. I didn't say anything to her about how insensitive she was being. I couldn't think straight. This is my second miscarriage now. I am farther along than last time. I made it to 6 weeks this time. I had two wonderful weeks of planning and building castles in the sky for our newest little one. I thought hard on the logistics of who would sleep where and with whom. But now, like a puff of smoke, it's all gone. I have two little saints in heaven looking down on our family. I wanted them here with me but now I must wait until it is my turn to be with them heaven. I pray I can do well in this life so that it may be so in the next.