I think I might be able to make it back on my feet for a while. These past few weeks have been hard and I've been struggling with depression off and on again. Miscarriage is hard both physically and mentally. Sometimes I would feel like I had only imagined I was pregnant or that it had been part of a half remembered dream. At other times it would crash back, like when the hospital bill would arrive. Now, it is drifting back and I am settling into my routines again. I've felt off though.
A blessing in this challenging time has been the presence of both family (thank you Mom) and friends. I have gotten phone calls, visits from friends, pretty cards, and loving emails. The most recent from a fellow blogger friend who I reached out to after reading her miscarriage post. Melody encouraged me to make sure my lost babies had names, not out of a morbid sense of death but because those babies are saints in heaven and we want to remember they lived if only for a short time. After consulting my husband we decided to name the two that I have lost.
Our first lost baby was also our first pregnancy. It was a dark day when I lost him. I had so many hopes and dreams all tied up in those blessed four days I knew he was there. We have decided to name him Timothy.
The second baby we have lost happened only a few weeks ago, just after Christmas. I was so happy to be welcoming another little member to our family. My boys were beside themselves with excitement and asked all the time about what was going on, they wanted to touch my belly and kiss it and talk to the little one there. Two weeks of wonderful joy in our house before we realized we would not be able to keep this baby either. We miss her, I miss her. We are going to call her Catherine.
With these changes I have also chosen to drop my pen name. It's a challenge for me to keep everything straight and the people who cared before don't seem to care anymore about what I write. Maybe blogging is going the way of the dinosaur. I kinda hope so in the sense that I tire of the trolls out there who only want to make you cry.
I hope to be able to write more. We will see how that turns out. Peace to everyone and goodnight.